Broken Woman

My heart is breaking. I can feel it weakening. We spoke this morning but nothing good came out of it for me. He "needs to think".

So, I am going to stay with a friend for a couple of days and he said he will call me. I am leaving some of my things here because I can't take it all with me just yet but I still think the phone call will bring me bad news.

I can't go on feeling like this. I haven't eaten in 3 days, all I have drank is half a pint of orange squash and I physically feel like I am dying from the inside out. I don't know how someone can change so quickly from loving you to making you feel like you are worthless. I feel ridiculed because of how much I love him and how much it seems he hates me.

I can hear him coughing in the next room and my heart breaks. I am sitting in the spare room on my computer waiting for my friend to finish work so I can go to her house and cry. That is all I have done. I haven't slept - I just cry.

All i want to do is go in there and hug him and for him to tell me everything will be OK. But I know that wont happen. I asked him for a hug earlier and he didn't want to give me one. But he did, I think purely because I broke down. I have no-one and nothing here apart from him. The places I can go where I have people is far away. Too far for me to even try and change his mind if he decides he no longer wants me. I feel like a discarded piece of garbage. I have served my purpose and now I am being tossed out. But five years is a long time to forget. I can't forget it.

I am going to sort my things out that I am taking to my friends now - oh and before I forget, I think I have lost my job because i have been unable to go into work.

Until next time, if I haven't died of a broken heart.

All I do is love. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in the world but it doesn't feel that the love is returned. On Saturday we went to a party and a few things happened, no neither of us cheated or anything like that but a mini-row was staged and I ended up being blamed for everything. But never mind, we got a taxi home and everything was fine until the next morning. We woke up as usual and he was on the phone to his cousin. I came downstairs and this whole situation reared its ugly head again and now it seemed that he was also blaming me. We had a bit of a row and I walked away thinking this isnt something I am going to argue over because it isnt worth it. He then starts to tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore and begins bringing up situations that have caused us to argue in the past. So all of this comes at me like a speeding bullet and I am shocked. I don't know what to say. So he didn't speak to me all of last night or today and I have tried talking to him but he just keeps saying it isnt worth it.

As a result of this, I am dying inside. My heart is breaking. I love this man more than anything and would die for him. We have been together for five years and it seems like he is willing to throw this away for no reason that I can see or that he will explain. Don't get me wrong I am no angel, I have started arguments before for no reason at all. So i am not trying to put the blame on one side here. But I don't see how someone can hurt another person for no reason and destroy their whole existance. I lived for this man. I still do. He has left the house now, not sure where he has gone but I need to wait. My heart is physically hurting, it feels like it is going to explode in my chest. I have never felt like this before and I never want to again.

I know people will say well it was only five years, people break up. But I don't want this. I want to be with him. I want to be with him forever, loving him like I do now. I feel like I am going to die.

I now know where the expression "heartbreak" comes from. My heart does feel as if it has been ripped into pieces. I feel empty. I can't go on without him. I can't let him ruin this. Everything was great, I wont say perfect because no relationship ever is. He just text and says he still loves me but he knows it wont work. I don't get it. Why wont it work? What has suddenly changed?

Personally, I think he has been influenced by his friends. They never liked me you see because they are all single and when they go out he often doesn't go with them. Not because I wont let him because I would, I trust(ed) him. But because he didn't like that whole clubbing scene. I don't know! I don't know if anyone will read this but I just hope that he sees sense and trys to make a go of this. Like I said I can't see a valid reason why he would suddenly turn like this.

So I'll go and wait with my broken heart........